Mary's family planning pretty much flew out the barn window

*** Warning to our male readership: this post is about family planning. You might want to click over to espn.com to see what time the Super Bowl starts ***

We’ve been waiting 24 months for our adopted child. That’s 24 months since our dossier was turned in. We’ve actually been waiting 30 months since we started the paper chase.

The truth: I’m so ready to be pregnant again.

I’ve been ready.

According to the adoption rules we fall under, we can not have another child until after the adoption is complete.

So we’ve been waiting.

In July, I was unexpectedly pregnant. We weren’t trying. But there I was: feeling pregnant. And completely filled with joy. Hubs was really excited too.  At that point, all we could do was pray that we’d be matched and complete our adoption before our due date: March 14, 2010. (The internet is an amazing resource.)

I took an early pregnancy test, but it didn’t register as pregnant. Hubs and I both knew I was because pregnant of the physical signs I was experiencing. I was almost 6 weeks along until I woke up on a Saturday morning and started my period, but it wasn’t like anything I’d experienced before.

A sadness rushed over me in a wave that I didn’t know how to stand up against.

Hubs and I didn’t know what to do. We were both so happy to be pregnant. We didn’t know if we should try again or if trying would risk losing the adoption. We had many a stressful conversation trying to figure out how long we would be waiting for our adopted child and when we could try to get pregnant again.

In September, I had an appointment with a doctor in Hong Kong. She said, “Sandra, you are not getting any younger. Thirty-five is very, very near. If you want to have more babies, then you should get pregnant NOW.” Her words are still ringing in my ear.

Am I not vibrant?

I promise you I feel 27 maybe 28 at the most.

Yes, well, I suppose my body has been on the planet for longer than that.

In October, we decided to try again. In faith, we believed our Miracle Match was on the way.  We both felt a peace about trying to get pregnant. Who knew how long it would take? I even bought 1rmb (15 cents) ovulation kits because they were so cheap!

That month, we got pregnant.

You cannot imagine the joy in this household. Many things in our lives and daily circumstances were chaos, but we had two babies on the way – one via adoption and one in the womb. I had a glow. I was craving MILK. The slightest bit of garlic smelled ferocious. I was so very pregnant.

I had to stop carrying our 35lb. Schäfer around. He was just getting too heavy. In order to stop this, we told him Mommy was going to have a baby. He was so excited. He kept popping his tummy out saying that he was going to have a baby too. Several times he wadded Raffe into a ball and gave birth to “Mei Mei” (little sister in Chinese).

I thought about the special way I wanted to give the news to you – our family and friends.

A baby was due on July 18th. That date was just perfect in every way. It would mean our family would have two birthdays in December and two in July. Oh the balance! The end of July and August are the slower months for us because of the heat. What a perfect time to stay inside with a newborn!

I was looking forward to IT ALL. The cravings, the weight gain, the swelling, the tiredness. Bring it on.

On December 9th, I started spotting. From what I could read online, there was nothing to worry about. We stayed positive and I slowed down. The spotting changed. We decided to go to our local hospital to get an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK.

We were wildly positive and optimistic.

On Friday, December 11th, we met with Dr. Wang and she agreed that an ultrasound was necessary. I drank a gallon of water. The first ultrasound tech said that I didn’t have enough water so I needed to go drink more water. Errr… I already had to go to the bathroom.

I inhaled more water while Hubs tried to distract my mind. Eventually, they invited me back in the room and tried to do an ultrasound. Then, they said that the $6 ultrasound machine wasn’t good enough quality so I needed to pay for the $12 ultrasound machine. Fine. Whatever. Oh my word. I needed to go to the restroom.

By the time Hubs ran down to the first floor, paid and came back I was about to cry because I needed to go to the restroom. During the $12 ultrasound, Hubs said he could see everything. At this point, I was crying because 1.) I had to go to the bathroom and 2.) I asked the tech directly if there was a heartbeat, but she refused to answer me which told me that she was trying to save my face. There was no heartbeat.

I finally went to the bathroom.

We went back to see Dr. Wang to discuss the results written on a sheet of paper they gave us. She confirmed that I would have a miscarriage. She also gave me the standard, “This is a good thing. Something was wrong so your body is taking care of it.”

I so desperately wanted this baby.

I came home and sat still and stayed positive. Miracles happen. At a time when everything was going wrong, this baby was the only thing that seemed right.

That evening, I lost the baby.

Late in the night, Hubs and I were sitting all pretzeled on the couch. I felt his strength and our connection. All of my emotions poured over Hubs and he held me tight so that I didn’t get lost in the sea of my own grief.

Over the last 7 days, we lost a baby, received word from The Office of Bad News, and seemed to have been skipped by the adoption matching department.

Just when I thought, “Ok. I can’t handle anything else…” – something else hits us hard.

My family planning has completely gone awry. This 10 month adoption is now into month 24. I’ve lost 2 wee ones. And 35 is not slowing down.

On this cold December day, I found myself thinking of Mary – poor unwed girl. Her family planning pretty much flew out the barn window.

Yet, it was all part of a perfect plan.