Today was one of those days.
Normally, I don’t write about them. But since today marks Sianna’s 11th month, I thought I’d share another side of her.
I’ve heard many people say that we’re so lucky to have Sianna in our home at 8 months.
Yes, I am thankful that she was not lying around in a crib for any longer.
BUT
Just because she is young, does not take away the issues of abandonment and institutional care.
Just because she may not remember her birth mother’s voice does not mean she hasn’t created coping mechanisms to deal with the loss of the only sound she was familiar with.
Just because she may not remember her life with a foster nanny does not mean that she didn’t create habits to sooth herself down when she was ignored.
Trust me, she’s got some habits.
There is a side of Sianna that wants to check-out from me.
This isn’t everyday. But these days do come.
In the mornings, when I lean into the pack-n-play, she’ll smile and look at me, but then when I pick her up, she’ll do anything not to look at my face. I can hold her just inches from me, say her name sweetly for minutes and she’ll dart her face to the left and right.
While she’s trying to avoid me, she completely wants to be held.
Since the closets were installed, I had HIGH hopes of getting our clothes out of suitcases. With Schäfer in preschool, my plan was to put Sianna on our bed surrounded by toys and praise baby music. After all, I would only be 2 feet away.
She wouldn’t have any of it.
She screamed until I held her.
Once she was in my arms, she wouldn’t look at me.
I said her name. She looked around.
She started laughing and playing with my hair like nothing was wrong, but she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
She refused connection.
After she started playing in my arms, I put her back down. After all, the closets!
She screamed again.
It was one of those days where she was only satisfied if she was held. This would work out perfectly if I had a butler, a maid, a chef and a chauffeur. I don’t have any of those things. So she’s often frustrated… or in the Ergo.
During feeding times, I hold her in a way that she has to look at me. Today, she wasn’t very happy, but she was hungry so she allowed herself to look at me. She only drank half her milk (all day long, each bottle) then squirmed in every direction so long as she was not looking at me.
It was just one of those days.
I don’t want to dwell on this challenge. There are still many good moments all woven in between.
I do have one trick that works every time. If I sing, “Sianna-anna-bo-banna-bananna-fanna-fo-fanna-me-my-mo-manna-Sianna!” She’ll look at me and smile, but this feels more like entertainment than a real connection.
Connection came today when I fed her lunch and she gave me a smile and said, “mmmm…” with each bite. Or when we went for an evening walk and she looked up at me from the stroller and gave me a big smile.
As for another month of growth:
Sianna’s still on the verge of crawling.
Her reverse and scoot skills are excellent.
She loves taking a bath.
In the morning, I often find her playing with bunny in bed.
She loves: apples, bananas, meat, veggies, and bread. She gums it all down.
Still no teeth.
She says, “Da da da da da!” all the time. (In our house, this is only baby jabber since Hubs is called Papa.)
Even though, I transitioned Schäfer to a sippy cup by 9 months (it was so easy), I don’t want to transition Sianna because we’d lose that snuggle time. Don’t they just up and run out of our arms so fast?
Please let her be a baby a lot longer than Schaffie, since she didn’t get all the stages he did early on…I think the avoidance issues will pass as she ages and develops other skills…Go on singing your song, it makes her laugh and focus on your face…always smile through your tears…you know why she is the way she is and you can work through it with silly songs, silly noises, and lots of yarps…When Schaffer wouldn’t be still (9mos) when I changed his nappy, I put my hand on his chest and sang the Little Green Frog…After a few changes he quit trying to crawl away from me and waited for me to sing. Anything that works. nanamaw
It's OK for her to take longer to make transitions. Joshua was two days shy of two when we got him and we still bottle fed him to give him that connection and intimacy with both of us. ….even though he was already eating solid food. You are right….they do all have coping skills they developed of some sort. Joshua's revolved around food. Thirty minutes or more after a meal we'd find him chew on something. It was food he had stored in his jaw to save for later. Or, he'd say during the meal, "don't eat the last piece." He wanted to make sure there was enough. We have a friend, whose 12 year old daughter is from China. She still wants to know if there is more food. She doesn't want to eat it, just that is more. Her mom always makes extra and will have it in the kitchen just to show her that there is, in fact, more!
I'm so glad she has you. And so glad you're writing with some transparency and not just the rosy stuff. Thanks for opening up your heart and life…
If it makes you feel better , James is 20 months and just started using a sippy cup. Even then, he'll only use it for juice, not milk, because milk should be from a bottle. Therefore, he hasn't had milk in 4 weeks. It's a battle of wills his bones will loose.
Thanks for sharing, I know adoption is such a beautiful way to grow a family, but it does not come without challenges. I love how God is working in your lives and I pray He will use even this difficulty for His glory. I found another great blog, called the spirit of adoption. http://www.james127.blogspot.com she has some great resources if you ever want to check it out.
Hey there – I was scanning through your blog trying to figure out how old Sianna is. She is so precious. I know this is an older post, but just wanted to comment on how interesting it is you mentioned the avoidance of her, not looking at your face. My Samantha was the same way. She would not look at anyone when she was being held by them. It was frustrating b/c you are trying to connect, but she won’t look you in the eyes! She would, however, always look at us when we changed her diaper. Elizabeth is the opposite, always engaging. Samantha engages, now, and looks at us, but still not quite as much as Elizabeth when being held. I know Sianna is was in a completely different situation, but just thought I’d mention the similarities b/t her and Samantha with avoidance (turned head side to side – exactly the same!) love you guys!
Sianna is currently 16 months old. Thanks so much for sharing what you’ve experienced. One of the toughest parts of this experience has been to not label everything as adoption related. I’m constantly asking myself: Is this adoption related? Is she having a growth spurt? Is this a transitional phase between being a baby and becoming a tot? etc. She keeps me on my toes – that’s for sure!